I wasn’t sure I was a fan of Emo Philips but then I got to catch his act in Atlanta. He was so creepy, so wrong – it was hilarious! His deadpan delivery has a way of surprising you and taking jokes to some really awkward social situations. Here’s a short clip. A bagel joke that is very amusing. And more audio clips. And some video clips.
Here are some of my favorite one-liners from Emo:
- I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes.
- My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.
- I always wanted a beautiful loving wife and she always wanted to be a citizen.
- I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed. So I said, ‘Get off me, you two!’
- I told my wife she looks sexy with black fingernails. Now she thinks I slammed the car door on her hand on purpose.
- I used to be scared of pretty girls, until one confessed they’re just as scared of me.
- My girlfriend always giggles during sex. No matter what she’s reading.
- My girlfriend and I almost didn’t have the second date because on the first date I didn’t open the car door for her… I just swam to the surface.
- When I was a kid, I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realized, the Lord doesn’t work that way. So I just stole one and asked Him to forgive me. … and I got it!
- A Mormon told me that they don’t drink coffee. I said, “A cup of coffee every day gives you wonderful benefits.” He said, “Like what?” I said, “Well, it keeps you from being Mormon …”
- So I’m at the wailing wall, standing there like a moron, with my harpoon.
- When I was a kid my parents used to tell me, “Emo, don’t go near the cellar door!” One day when they were away, I went up to the cellar door. And I pushed it and walked through and saw strange, wonderful things, things I had never seen before, like… trees. Grass. Flowers. The sun… that was nice… the sun.. (the clip)
- When I was ten, my family moved to Downer’s Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them.
- Always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said: “A truck!”
- When I die, I want to go quietly in my sleep, like my grandfather – not screaming, like the passengers in his car.
- I lent a friend of mine $10,000 for plastic surgery and now I don’t know what he looks like.
- The other night a homeless man was going through my garbage. Now I hate to see a human being going through someone’s garbage, so I made him a real nice raccoon costume.
- People ask me how much I weigh. I tell them, 145 pounds, naked. That is, if that scale outside the drugstore is anything to go by.
- I like to play chess with bald men in the park although it’s hard to find 32 of them.
- I was pulled over in Massachusetts for reckless driving. When brought before the judge, I was asked if I knew what the punishment for drunk driving in that state was. I said, “I don’t know… reelection to the Senate?”
- And potentially his most famous skit.